The Same Old Fear!

It’s the pre-India fear again. I am not ecstatically happy as I was a week ago. On the eve of my departure, India is more frightening than exciting.
What would one year of absence throw on my face?
Would appa’s prosthetic knee have slowed him down further, making his age that much more obvious?
Would there be extra greys on amma’s head, and denser wrinkles on her hand?
Would my sisters’ lives have evolved so much that I become not more than an annual guest?
And friends…
Like I keep saying, though I return year after year to India, my reference point is still the year I left it for good (or worse) in 1999. Those are the memories that are frozen in my mind…
But for those who have continued to live there, there is little connection to what life had been 8 years ago.
Am I already a stranger at home? Can I still call it home? India, Chennai…
This fear never goes away. If anything, it festers, and grows deeper every year.

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3 thoughts on “The Same Old Fear!

  1. Karthik Sriram says:

    If you ask me, yes and its so annoying – at least to me! when I went to India for some 20 odd days, I literally felt like a guest – Amma was explaining where to keep my dress and other stuff… I felt so out of tune with their lives. And yeah, the age catching up with parents and sister also shows – Appa no longer has that rough and tough voice, Amma now exactly looks like a MAAMI kinds….

    Anyways have a great trip and enjoy madras when u can!

    LKS

  2. Sujata Tarakesan Kannan says:

    Ok, this I cannot relate to. Now am quite sure I don’t WANT to relate to it. Sounds depressing. But then, my situation is a bit different…anyways, just tune out all fears and look forward to konjifying with your Mom and Dad and siblings. No imagination!This might help…but my pearls might be already too late!

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