Every day I wake up falling in love, and there are moments throughout the day that make me fall in love again and again — a photo, a call, a memory…
Of all the loves I’ve had and have, this one is the toughest. Most beautiful, yes, yet the toughest.
And like all those who are in love… there is fear. A gut wrenching fear; only difference being, it is not a fear of being let down or being spurned. It is a fear of letting down, of not doing the right thing…
That my words and actions could scar worse than anything else possibly could.
That the total unconditional, uninhibited love thrown so casually my way, is not received as graciously and gratefully as it should be. That the debt I owe for being loved so, will never be paid off… if there is such a thing as debt in love. That this kind of loving will not be forever.
That I maybe too quick to anger, too slow to love; judge too easily, and not care enough; too full of expectations, too little of acceptance.
I fear that when I chide about being careless, before I kiss the wound away, her hurt would remain a longtime after the pain has gone.
And when I ask her to stop talking or humming or singing her nonsense, because I am being disturbed, I fear that I would not be disturbed at all, and left alone.
I fall in love so many times in a day, everyday…
when she calls me at work to just ‘talk’
when she is curious about what I do in the gym
when she tells me the marks on my face are gone
when she kisses and hugs me, for no greater reason than because I am there
when even while at play, she reaches out to me
when every time we watch a movie, she switches off all the lights, and grabs a blanket to share… even if we are only watching Lion King for the 500th time!
when she shows unbelievable patience with her colouring
But that is not what I fear…
I fear that I won’t love her enough when she doesn’t do the cute things and the things I am proud of.
I fear that I may not love her the way she deserves to be loved — even when she is throwing a tantrum, or embarrassing me
I fear that she may grow up to be me, and learn my prejudices, and forget to love the way a 6-year-old does…
I fear that she will grow up too soon…