I took off a couple of days from work to recoup, because I’ve been feeling so tired and drained. Over the last two years I’ve been busy being pregnant, recovering from a caesarean, jumping back into work when N was not even 3 months old. N turned 1 last month, and the week after I weaned her off breast milk totally. So I get to have longer spells of zzzzzs at night.
Idle mind, the devil and such? Well, I’ve been thinking, and the devil has thrown up some realisations.
I am going to just say it – in the last year I’ve also realised that though I keep saying I love my job, I only love parts of it. I actually HATE quite a bit of what I am supposed to do. I dislike managing people. I do not enjoying taking responsibility for other folks’ work. I LOVE meeting, talking and interviewing people, and writing about them. But increasingly, that has become a very small portion of what I do…
I also realise that I keep repeating things in the hope that it becomes true. ‘I am comfortable with my weight’; ‘I forgive people easily’; ‘I don’t expect much from friends’. Most people say women bosses and colleagues are not the easiest to tolerate, and I keep insisting that it’s not true – loyal to my sex. But you know what? There is truth to that accusation. Men are far more chilled out and easier to work with. I am not saying they are less bitchy, because they are not. It’s just that at the end of a workday, the line between the professional and personal is far clearer with the guys than the gals.
Surprise! Surprise. I realised that I am addicted to the Internet. Is there a group for that?
I have 180 ‘friends’ on my fb list – only 1 is a colleague, because we play Scrabble. The rest are mainly classmates and ex-colleagues, and a few biz contacts. But in this era of instant friendships, and BFFs that last about 5 minutes, I am really grateful for the bunch of crazy, immature, totally adorable friends I’ve had since my teens. Women who seem to be getting more youthful, more understanding, more quirky.
With this year I have known my oldest pal C for 30 years. We met when I was about 6, in 1980. I complete 20 years with 2 of my dearest friends – S and A. And it was exactly 15 years ago that I met two of my mentors — people who continue to influence me.
I owe these long, continuing spells of goodness to the steadiness of my life. I am grateful for that. But it also means I am terribly scared of change. I never take the initiative to change things or rock the boat – I lived in 1 city, 1 house for the first 25 years of my life. Then another city for 11, 8 of which in the same house. I’ve been working for over 15 years, 3 main jobs – 6,2,7 years is the ratio with that.
You get what I mean? I love that stability, but that has also made me rather cowardly.
I envy people who move with such ease. Who have been to 15 schools in 10 cities; change jobs every year; those who make friends with ease, not expecting a ‘forever relationship’.
I wish I were a bit more daring – I wish I had wheels in my heels.