There are innumerable reasons why I am looking forward to my India vacation. But that would be a lame post. So I am focussing on the grey clouds…
Here is why an India vacation can be a nightmare.
1. Why haven’t you coloured your hair? The grey makes you look old. Because I am trying to age quickly.
2. How come you have gained so much weight? Because I am greedy and eat a lot (& I am not being sarcy. It’s the truth.)
3. What? She is not yet toilet trained? (Not me, my little one) No, no toilet at home. We all wear diapers.
4. Why has O become so dark? You should stop her swimming lessons. Yes. And keep her encased in a bubble.
5. Why is she so thin? And why is she also so thin? And why aren’t you thin? I starve them, so I can eat their share too.
6. You must have made a lot of money already. No? Oil money and all? Yes. They pay us in barrels of petrol.
7. When are you planning to come back to India for good? Not as long as you are around.
8. You spoil them too much. Yes. Every parent’s aim in life.
9. You are very strict with your kids. Yes, I am preparing them for a career in the army.
10. You must be buying a lot of gold, isn’t it? Of course. Gold biscuits with tea, everyday.
11. How come your in-laws haven’t visited you? All fine? No. They are scared I’d poison them.
12. N still not talking? Maybe because she is confused with all the different languages at home. Yes, that’s why we only talk in parsel tongue with her.
13. Do you wear a burqa there? Yes, when I am not wearing my lil black dress, I wear my big black one.
14. What religion are your children following? Not the one that created you, for sure.
15. What’s the pay like in the Gulf these days? On an average, ball park figure, approximately, how much do you earn? Hmmm, to be precise, f*ck off.
16. So what marks does O get in school? Is she a good student? Is she good in extra-curricular activities? What classes does she attend? Yes, she is a winner. She has been genetically modified to be PERFECT.