The Year of Estrangements & The Fear Of Love

2012 was the year of estrangement. Several meaningful relationships died in many different ways.

Some were smothered to death;

some passed-on peacefully in repose;

some bled to a slow death;

some were violent;

some were long dead but came to my notice belatedly;

a few because the transplant was rejected.

Some fatalities were expected, some too sudden…

The relationships were not all cherished, yet I mourned and shed bitter tears for the passing of each. People I worked with, some I grew up around, a couple I shared many laughs with, a few who were family.

But as I sit on the eve of a new year, thinking of these who are no longer in my daily consciousness, I have only a remote sense of nostalgia.

I didn’t fight to keep those relationships alive; I chose to let them go, without grace at times. It was a detached, clinical decision to move away from those who drained me.

Through all that heartbreak and angst, with a never before seen will, I fought to keep one relationship alive. If ever I find the person who conceived marriage, I would dig them out of their grave and spit on their face.

Could there be a concept that’s more strenuous and difficult, yet so lusted after than that of binding two people in marriage? Do you know of anything marketed more effectively than marriage? Yet, I fought and will continue to do so… to keep this relationship going. There are a hundred reasons why, reasons so loud in my head, it mutes the voices in my heart.

(Hey, you gay folks out there! Don’t fight so hard for the right to marry… it’s too gimmicky by half, and you’d be better off not being contracted to each other.)

In all this chaos, much of it self-made (I’ve always sucked at pleasing people and maintaining relationships), I am protected by friends who slipped into my life in my teens, who with iron claws hold onto the things they love in me, blind to the rest of who I often am.

And also in this chaos, are two little people whose touch is so precious; whose love is so vocal and unconditional; and in their image of who I am, I build many dreams. I go to bed with the burden of their love… yes a burden, because I don’t always feel deserving of it.

I die a thousand deaths, when I think of all the ways in which I could do them wrong and of all the ways I could let them down. I have feared nothing more fiercely than their love.

Happy 2013.


11 thoughts on “The Year of Estrangements & The Fear Of Love

  1. suba says:

    Nice vani we all have flaws in us none is perfect and the one whos bitterly frank is the most misunderstood. All
    The iron clawed ppl save relationships mostly n they r our golden blessings.happy 2013

  2. H says:

    Disclaimer: I am a female. I am on your side. I am you.

    So, here is my take on marriage. This is how I make sense of it.

    Let me start with this. Don’t take trouble digging into the guy’s grave. He will spit on you! He is not the culprit. It is You (Women I mean)! It has always been you!

    Picture this: the world is full of men and women, who need three things to survive: Food, Money, and S. Than going around working this out with unknown strangers, it is convenient to have a standard arrangement. So, pair a man and woman, he brings money, she makes food, both can have unlimited S. That is what marriage is meant to be! NOTHING MORE!!!!!!!!!!! There is no happily ever after!

    So when does this awesome arrangement go sour? When one forgets the basic idea of this “union” (read “contract”) and expect it to be something noble – which is the complete opposite of what it is meant to be. Here you have 2 sects to blame – the “society” (read: oldies that endured this and wish this on the next generation with a vengence) and the kids that are a by-product of the third element in this contract. Society – you can blame, but the kids – it is all your fault.

    In this contract, “He” is not supposed to “understand you”, “protect you”, “love you”, “honor you”, “cherish you” – add all the other bullshit. However, you might fool yourself (note: he doesn’t fool you, it is all your perception) that he is all that – silly, then check, he needs food or S. The two things that you are supposed to provide as per the contract.

    To add to this misconception about the contract, you further complicated the equation by bring in the money too, in addition to the food. In turn, you want something back. But for him, it is against the contract, threating his hold on the contract. So he is insecure. An insecured, ignorant, and arrogant individual cannot be a good partner for anything, let alone marriage.

    So that said, what next? You are already in it now. If the person who you got to know when you were all innocent (read: dumb) turns out to be who he is, the probability of finding someone BETTER, when you exactly know the equation??? None, Nada, Nill. Moreover, the kids! It’s complicated now!

    So here is what I do. Every now and then, I audit the business and tally the balance sheet. If I am short, I ask myself what will fix it. Sometimes it is shopping, day out with girlfriends sometimes, other times it is just a run outside, oh, a big fight sometimes or complete silence other times. You get the point – I balance it! Also, it is not like I do not enjoy the perks of the business. If he falls short? Well, he deserves it!

    So, revisit the engagement contract – I mean the real one! Reallign your expectations of the business. Balance the accounts, as often as it is required.

    There you go! Live YOUR life, along with your business partners! Happy New Year!

  3. Chits says:

    Well said. Wonder why people take it for granted and always expect you to be there even though they are pretty thoughtless.
    Nasty. I has this a few years ago …. stll healing from that.
    I often wonder why people sue for emotional trauma and i laughed it off
    I understand why perfectly well now.

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