There are innumerable reasons why I am looking forward to my India vacation. But that would be a lame post. So I am focussing on the grey clouds…
Here is why an India vacation can be a nightmare.
1. Why haven’t you coloured your hair? The grey makes you look old. Because I am trying to age quickly.
2. How come you have gained so much weight? Because I am greedy and eat a lot (& I am not being sarcy. It’s the truth.)
3. What? She is not yet toilet trained? (Not me, my little one) No, no toilet at home. We all wear diapers.
4. Why has O become so dark? You should stop her swimming lessons. Yes. And keep her encased in a bubble.
5. Why is she so thin? And why is she also so thin? And why aren’t you thin? I starve them, so I can eat their share too.
6. You must have made a lot of money already. No? Oil money and all? Yes. They pay us in barrels of petrol.
7. When are you planning to come back to India for good? Not as long as you are around.
8. You spoil them too much. Yes. Every parent’s aim in life.
9. You are very strict with your kids. Yes, I am preparing them for a career in the army.
10. You must be buying a lot of gold, isn’t it? Of course. Gold biscuits with tea, everyday.
11. How come your in-laws haven’t visited you? All fine? No. They are scared I’d poison them.
12. N still not talking? Maybe because she is confused with all the different languages at home. Yes, that’s why we only talk in parsel tongue with her.
13. Do you wear a burqa there? Yes, when I am not wearing my lil black dress, I wear my big black one.
14. What religion are your children following? Not the one that created you, for sure.
15. What’s the pay like in the Gulf these days? On an average, ball park figure, approximately, how much do you earn? Hmmm, to be precise, f*ck off.
16. So what marks does O get in school? Is she a good student? Is she good in extra-curricular activities? What classes does she attend? Yes, she is a winner. She has been genetically modified to be PERFECT.
The Life of Umm 
Having said all these reasons, you would still want to come home. Right?
Guess, you got influenced by Inbavalli’s post “My House, Your Nose”.
yes, i’d wanna come home. but not with the homesickness i used to feel earlier.
on inba’s post… seems like i’m lifting off it huh?! 🙂 i’m sure she will forgive me, because she is privy to some of my bitchiest private rants.
God knows how many of my pieces have been inspired by yours, considering I’m an agmark ummon fan 🙂
I’m loving it 😉 Most moms (expat or non-hometown residing) do face a lot of similar questions… blame it on overly nosy relatives or mismatch of mental wavelength (but we love to talk so we come up with the most insane questions). The kids becoming thinner and darker seems to get me everytime my relatives see my daughters, yes abt their marks and the after school actvity(!!) classes and yes, they also keep tabs on how often my mil visits us…
Hilarious ! and So true !! 5,6 and 7 had me laughing out loud and it is indeed amazing how they don’t bat an eyelid while asking you how much money you make !!
My family is guilty of asking me all of the above other than the ones implying I have too much money. They like to pretend I am poor and ill-used and have fattened out of depression that my son has ADHD/ ADD/ Conduct Disorder/ Bad genes from his father/ too little God/ too much devil/ whatever it is that they subscribe to.
LOL! Now I know how to answer my dear relatives when I visit. Thanks for this one…
And I can add more to the list even though I go there with no kids on tow!!!
God bless u Vani – u r way polite – over the years I got it out loud and clear by saying “nan-ya bizness” – seriously
ooh! i loved this. want more 🙂
FROM FB:
Archana Avinash Cant stop laughing vani!
but its sooo true…!! They can realllly piss off!
Rama Balakrishnan so true!! but welove tem anyway { like we had a choice 😉 }
Easwari Nalli good one !!
Deepa Kaliyur Loved it Vani….as always 🙂
Bairavi Vijay So true!!! Can relate to every single Q :); and your replies are pretty much what goes in my head and one of these days will come out loud and clear 🙂
Great one Vani! I am still LOL…
Good one.